


Home Sweet Kansas

by ramify



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Altered Mental States, Altered States, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Dean Winchester and Mental Health Issues, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Episode: s04e20 The Rapture, Episode: s07e01 Meet the New Boss, Gen, Hospitals, Identity, Jimmy Novak POV, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Multiple Personalities, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-21 02:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramify/pseuds/ramify
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy Novak once lived across the Winchesters, in the old Baler house, and he was once really good friend's with the two oldest Winchester boy's, Dean and Sammy. They once played baseball and had watched old movies together, but this was all before the accident. Now Jimmy has an obligation, and a routine that has been going on for years and years. No matter what path he takes, time and time again, he finds himself in front of the mental institution, where inside lies Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Sweet Kansas

Jimmy Novak took a deep breath as he stood outside the large building. He had been standing in front of the doors of the institution for ten minutes, preparing himself for what was inside. The man had been to the institution many times before, and each visit was the same. First, he would wait outside until he had enough courage to step inside, smiling kindly to those who passed by him and through the doors. The step that always followed was Jimmy swinging the door wide open and quickly closing it when he realized he hadn’t the courage to enter the building quite yet. But eventually, he would open the door and force himself into the building, even though he knew deep down he would never be prepared for what lied beyond the door.

 

The dark haired man walked cautiously to the front desk, his tired blue eyes filled with anxiety as they bounced the room. Once he reached the desk, a familiar ginger woman looked up at him. Her dark brown eyes were kind and full of understanding, though he didn’t know how she continued to manage such kindness in such a place. The woman’s rosey smile seemed to show the same expression. Her smile was the only source of comfort Jimmy found inside the dreadful building.

 

“Hello, Jimmy. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?” She asked. It was the usual routine.

 

Jimmy hesitated as he swallowed nervously and at last cracked a smile.

 

“I’m doing... Alright. Yourself?” He asked, returning her gesture, though he'd rather not.

 

“Pretty good. You can just take a seat and I will alert Dr. Crowley that you are here,” the woman said, repeating her usual line and returning to her computer.

 

"Thank you, Anna," he said.

 

Jimmy sat down and waited. He glanced over to the end table, noticing they had updated their collection of magazines since his last visit, which indeed meant it had been quite some time since he had been there. Giving in to the strong urge to distract himself, he reached over to the table and randomly grabbed one. He mindlessly read about celebrities and what dresses were a “Go” or a “No.” Finally, he heard the door open and looked up to see Dr. Crowley walking toward him.

 

“Hello, Jimmy,” the Irish man smiled once he reached Jimmy. He was a short, husky man in his forties. His eyes were a dark brown with light bags underneath.

 

Jimmy attempted his best smile, but he knew he was running out of charm. It was only a matter of time before Dr. Crowley would take him where he needed to go.

 

“Hello, doctor,” he managed to choke out.

 

“Are you ready to head back?” Dr. Crowley asked.

 

Jimmy wanted to say no. Oh, dear God how he itched to scream no. One half of his mind pleaded with him to leave and never come back, but the other half told him he had an obligation. Instead Jimmy nodded his head and rose from his seat. Slowly, he walked behind Dr. Crowley, who lead him beyond the door and down a familiar series of winding hallways. Jimmy’s heart began to race and he could feel the sweat dripping down his forehead.

 

This routine, or obligation, whichever you prefer, was something that had been going on for years and years. The very first day he found himself inside the institution was so long ago, that he didn't remember the date, but he could never forget the day or the events that had lead up to it.

 

Those many, many years ago, Jimmy was a young child who had recently moved to Lawrence, Kansas with his family. His family consisted of his lovely mother, his businessman father, and his older brothers, Mike and Luke. Mike would grow up to be exactly like their father and Luke, the hoodlum he was, would eventually get himself into so much trouble that he would be in and out of prison, until he was locked up for good. Jimmy, on the other hand, had found a place in their father's company and started a family of his own, only to lose it when his obligation became too much of a burden that his wife had made him choose. Sometimes he wondered if he made the wrong choice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_The day he met his obligation was a beautiful sunny summer day. It had been raining that entire week and Jimmy's mother had not allowed him outside until it had cleared up, due to his poor health. He had watched the other children play outside in the rain, wishing to join in on their game of Cops and Robbers. When the skies finally cleared, his mother reluctantly allowed the boy outside, also agreeing to not shelter him and let him play until he grew bored, but not without bundling him in a thick wool sweater. Now that he thought back on it, the decision on his mother's part probably might have lead him to a heat stroke in the ninety degree weather had he not taken the sweater off._

 

_"Why are you wearing that? It's hot out!"_

 

_It was voice he would never allow himself to forget. It was the voice of Sammy Winchester, the second youngest of the Winchester household. He was only two years younger than Jimmy, but age was never a problem for Jimmy when it came to making friends. For the most part, he was willing to be friends with whomever wanted to befriend him. Most children had found him weird and an easy target, considering how sheltered he was and his size._

 

_"My mom made me wear it," he had told the boy._

 

_"Moms know best, I guess, but it's like a bazillion degrees out," the boy said holding his hands up. Jimmy notices the boy's shirt was soaked in sweat._

 

_"Should I take it off?"_

 

_The boy laughed. "Duh!"_

 

_Jimmy proceeded to take the sweater off and threw it under his porch, where his mother wouldn't be able to find it if she came out of the house. That was, if she hadn’t already spotted him without it on first._

 

_"I'm Sammy. You guys just move here, right? You're house is huge!"_

 

_Jimmy looked over his shoulder at his house. It wasn't as big as his last house, but he supposed it was large than most of the other houses on the street._

 

_"I guess it's big," he shrugged._

 

_The younger boy looked at him skeptically. "So what's your name?"_

 

_"Jimmy Novak," he told Sammy so fast that it came spewing out of his mouth as one word._

 

_"Jiminohfik? That's weird."_

 

_"I meant Jimmy. Novak is my last name,” he said so very quietly._

 

_Sammy looked at the ground awkwardly and a blonde girl from behind him shouted for him to play with her and the other kids. Sammy blushed and Jimmy could tell that he liked the blonde girl._

 

_"Do you want to play with us?" He asked Jimmy._

 

_An overwhelming sense of belonging overcame Jimmy. He hadn't felt such a way in quite a while. At his last house, the kids had all mutually decided that they would ignore him, forcing him to stay indoors. He beamed proudly and followed Sammy to the other kids. Sammy introduced him to them, they introduced themselves with big grins, they played and that was that._

 

_After a few hours of Hide-and-Seek, Cops and Robbers, and Tag, Sammy was called inside for dinner by who Jimmy assumed to be Sammy's mother. Jimmy's stomach rumbled at the thought of food, but his mother, though she may want to, wouldn't call him in until 8 o'clock. That was when his father would arrive home, and that was when they always ate dinner._

 

_Sammy started running towards his house when he abruptly stopped and turned back to Jimmy. "Do you want to come inside and eat with us?"_

 

_The gesture was something Jimmy did not decide to think twice about. He quickly followed the younger boy into the American Dream home, feeling more and more joyous as the day went on._

 

_"Dad! Kate! Can Jimmy eat with us?" Sammy shouted._

 

_"Indoor voice, Samuel," the woman scolded, as she placed a small child in his high chair._

 

_Sammy lowered his voice. "Can Jimmy eat with us?"_

 

_"Who's Jimmy?" And that was when Jimmy met his obligation, Dean Winchester. Dean must have thought he was cool with how he popped the collar of his oversized leather jacket and how he slicked his hair upwards at the front, and Jimmy definitely thought he was cool as well. Jimmy figured Dean must be in high school because there was no way anyone with that much stubble on their chin could still be in middle school._

 

_"Oh! This is Jimmy. He just moved here," Sammy gestured to Jimmy's small body. "That's Kate, my step mom, and Adam, my little brother. That's my dad in his chair. And this is Dean."_

 

_After their introduction, Sammy's parents smiled and said hello. Dean on the other hand, tightened his jaw and with a raised brow, looked over Jimmy, seemingly unimpressed. It was the same way Jimmy’s brothers looked at him. As though he was a nuisance because he was younger and didn’t know anything about the world. Jimmy shifted nervously from side to side under the older boy's stare. Sammy didn't seem to take notice and turned back to his parents._

 

_"Can Jimmy eat with us please?" Sammy repeated desperately._

 

_"If it's alright with his parents," his father answered._

 

_Jimmy was not one of poor judgement, but that day, it seemed so. If he were to have asked his mother, she would have of course said no. He would need to have dinner with his own family, she might say. It may have been a good thing, if it were to instead go in that direction, and maybe if it had, Jimmy and the Winchesters might have had a shot at a normal life. But fate, the cruel, ruthless bastard it was, had other plans and Jimmy fell right into them like Alice had; down, down, down the rabbit hole._

 

_"My parents won't mind!" Jimmy said. He was excited to finally have another child want to play with him. Maybe at this house, he would have friends, or rather friend, to spend the night with, instead of sitting alone in his room with his books._

 

_"Well then, you are more than welcome to eat with us," Kate smiled. "Everyone, have a seat."_

 

_The dinner was something Jimmy had never experienced. His family sat in silence at supper, with the occasional comment from either his mother or father. It always seemed as though they were talking amongst themselves, and the children were not allowed to speak, and would receive a stern glare from their father if they even made a peep, with the occasional side of belittling. Jimmy eventually learned to keep his childish and random comments to himself. The Winchester household, on the other hand, all laughed, giggled, teased each other and laughed some more at their supper._

 

_Kate asked the kids about their day and they both went on about what had happened. Dean told them a story, in between chuckles of course, about how a man named Bobby tripped and landed on his rear at the shop, and Sammy told them about how Jimmy lived in the old Baler house._

 

_"Oh, that's a lovely house!" Kate exclaimed and smiled to Jimmy._

 

_"It's like a mansion!" Sammy grinned._

 

_Sammy’s father gave him a look that told the boy to mind his manners, and Sammy blushed bright red and poked at his food. Jimmy, though, grinned wildly. He hadn’t ever received this much praise or admiration in his entire life, which must have clouded his judgement. Even so, at least he was able to experience those good moments with the Winchesters before he completely ruined it all._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dr. Crowley slid a key into the lock when they reached their destination. He quickly learned over time not to ask Jimmy any questions before doing so, otherwise he would be waiting outside the room with Jimmy for a good, solid 30 minutes, while the man contemplated the meaning of his existence, and why, oh why did it have to be this way? The doctor opened the door and looked expectantly to Jimmy, who stared back with his mouth slightly agape as though he were going to say something; all a part of the usual routine. After a few long seconds, Jimmy would close his mouth, blink a few times before hanging his head and walking quickly into the room.

 

There was a gust of wind that chased after Jimmy when Dr. Crowley shut the door behind them, causing Jimmy’s tan overcoat to flutter around him and the doctor walked to his spot on the sofa with his clipboard in his crossed lap. Jimmy grudgingly made his way to his usual spot; an awkward, uncomfortable metal chair, that’s seat wore a thin cushion that Jimmy thought might as well be a piece of soggy cardboard. Once seated, he finally brought his eyes to the man in front him, whose chest, wrists and ankles were bound to the wheel chair he sat in.

 

Jimmy felt the familiar pang of guilt tug at him when he saw the man’s tired, glossy eyes looking straight through him as though he weren’t there. It almost seemed as though the lively green in them had died and was replaced by a dead gray. The stubble on his chin looked like he hadn’t been shaved in a couple of weeks, and his skin was dark and sickly. His face and body were thinner compared to Jimmy’s last visit, but Dr. Crowley had informed Jimmy that he had been refusing to eat, forcing them to use other options. When Jimmy’s eyes made contact with the man’s unnaturally frail body, the guilt pressed harder on his stomach. It was his fault. All his fault.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Jimmy had practically spent every waking moment with the Winchesters, whether it was in the Winchester home, in the Winchester vehicle, on vacation with the Winchesters, or just laying out in their backyard. At first, Dean acted as though Jimmy didn’t exist and walked passed him everyday without a single word. Jimmy didn’t mind this at all, as he was used to Luke and Mike ignoring him, but this time he had someone to play with and he didn’t feel completely left out. Sammy made him feel like he meant something, like he belonged._

 

_Then the teasing started, which was also something he had experienced with his two older brothers. When Jimmy spoke, Dean would perk his head up and with a mocking smile ask: “Did you hear that Sammy? I think we have a mouse in the walls.” It moved from that onto Dean flicking at Jimmy’s ears, telling Jimmy that if he “wasn’t careful enough, the wind would pick him up by the big stupid ears and carry him away.” Sammy would immediately yell at Dean, who would laugh and mock how short Sammy was. At first, Jimmy felt terrible because of Dean’s bullying, but eventually he realized that the teasing was because Dean accepted him. The bullying was much more than his brothers had ever done; at most they had scoffed at his questions or rolled their eyes the moment a single word came out of Jimmy’s mouth._

 

_When instead of tearing up at Dean’s words, Jimmy smiled up at him, Dean seemed shocked, but his expression quickly changed and a big, toothy grin spread across his face. From then on, Dean asked if Jimmy needed rides to school, if he wanted to play baseball or watch a movie with them, and he even gave Jimmy a nickname, which everyone in the Winchester household had begun to call him. Jay. Jimmy felt like he was a officially part of the Winchester family, more so than the Novak family._

 

_“Hey, Jay,” Dean waved as he and Sammy stood in front Jimmy's porch. Jimmy had been reading a new fantasy book he had picked up from the library, and he hardly heard the two approach the front porch. He put his book down and smiled at them._

 

_“Hello.”_

 

_Sammy grinned and kicked the tip of the bat he held in his hand. “Wanna play ball?”_

 

_“Of course. I just have to get my glove,” Jimmy said, pushing himself to his feet._

 

_“Already got that covered,” Dean held up the boy's glove. “You left it in the livingroom.”_

 

_Jimmy hurried down the stairs and grabbed his glove from Dean as they headed to the field. They met the other kids and began to play for hours before they decided to take a break for lunch. As if on cue, Kate greeted the three with sandwiches when they arrived the Winchester household and they ate in front of the tube. As Jimmy chewed on his sandwich, he noticed a small wooden sign on the wall that read 'Home, Sweet, Kansas.'_

_"Home, Sweet, Kansas. Right, Jay?" Dean asked from beside him as he elbowed Jimmy in the ribs._

_The brunet smiled bashfully. "Right, Dean."_

 

_“Lemonade?” Kate smiled, holding the pitcher up to the boys. Jimmy politely shook his head while the other boys put their cups up to the pitcher._

 

_“Thanks, Kate,” Sammy said as she filled his glass._

 

_“Yeah, thanks,” Dean muffled through a mouthful of food._

 

_Kate smiled and retreated back into the kitchen. Once she was gone, Jimmy looked to the two boys who were engrossed in their food. “Do you mind if I asked where your mother is?”_

 

_The Winchesters immediately stopped eating. It amazed Jimmy how alike the two were when they were uncomfortable. They stared at their plates in front of them before Sammy finally looked up to Jimmy._

 

_“She died,” he told Jimmy with a horribly depressing look in his eyes._

 

_Jimmy quickly looked to the ground feeling embarrassed and terrible for asking. The world seemed to come to a complete halting stop. He shouldn’t have bothered; it was none of his business after all. A hand patted his back with a force and Jimmy looked up to find Dean smiling weakly at him._

 

_“Don’t worry, Jay. It was a long time ago. You didn’t know,” Dean said quietly before ruffling his hair. “Alright, let’s change it. These cartoons are stupid.”_

 

_And with that, everything was back to normal. The world started again and Jimmy was able to breathe. For now._

 

 

* * *

 

 

He stared at the man in front of him, unable to bring himself to say a word. The clock on the wall ticked at a normal pace, but the seconds seemed to last hours and the silence grew thick like a black smog. His heart pounded hard in his chest, and he thought it might just break free and fall to the ground in front of him, shattering into a million pieces. If only it would, then maybe the man in front of him would have at least a little bit of closure.

 

Jimmy thought of what he could say; what he should say. It was yet another step of the usual routine he followed with each of his visit. He was thankful that Dr. Crowley had given up on trying to help him speak a long time ago and would only observe each visit, making notes on his clipboard. Or perhaps he was just doodling, Jimmy thought to himself, allowing his mind to wander and freeing him of the stressful situation, but it would never last very long. Eventually reality would rip him from his thoughts, and he would be forced to face the broken man in front of him.

 

He took a deep breath.

 

“Dean...” He whispered it, and yet his voice was still deep and rumbled in his stomach.

 

The man in front of him blinked and focused on Jimmy’s figure ahead of him. A weak smile appeared on his face, and Jimmy’s heart fluttered with a small ounce of hope, but it was destroyed by what he knew. This man was not Dean Winchester. The man in front of him was something completely different. A broken man, who could have had a future, a life, hell, maybe even a family and an American dream home of his own. Instead, this man was a jigsaw puzzle missing too many pieced to ignore, and was placed in the game cupboard to never be touched again. He was lost in his own mind, and even if his lips cracked into an awkward smile, Jimmy knew he was still gone and just as Jimmy’s usual routine never changed, what happened next never would.

 

“Cas!” Dean said weakly.

 

The smile Jimmy hadn’t noticed he wore, slowly faded and as it did, his eyes dropped to the ground in between them. The small glimmer of hope, or rather what he desired most, shattered. Though he knew what would always follow his first spoken word of the visit, a miniscule amount of hope always hung about in the back of his mind. It was the hope that Dean would remember him, so he could apologize for everything.

 

Part of the desire to apologize was simply selfish, and the other was purely selfless. He wanted to clear his conscious and also tell Dean that not a day goes by that he didn’t wish he was dead instead of Sammy. Jimmy had tried once to apologize to Dean while he was in his current state, but the man simply ignored him and remained quiet the rest of the visit.

 

Jimmy knew immediately that he couldn’t truly apologize to this man because this man was no longer the Dean Winchester he knew and loved, but that didn’t stop him from pretending his conscience was cleared. He went months pretending, but eventually he came to the realization that he couldn’t hide from himself. The aching pain in his chest that he knew to be guilt was how he felt. There was no way he could pretend what he felt wasn’t real, so he came back, as he always did when the weight of guilt became too much to bear.

 

“I’m not Castiel. It’s me,” Jimmy told him, his voice shaking violently. This was not a part of the normal routine. Before now, he didn’t know how to engage in conversation with this new Dean. He could practically feel Dr. Crowley’s eyebrows raise to his hairline once he had spoken.

 

“Who’s ‘me’?” Dean asked suspiciously. Jimmy could hear his voice change slightly, almost as though it weren’t Dean’s, but rather someone elses.

 

“Jimmy. My name’s Jimmy,” Jimmy said more firmly.

 

“Where the hell is Castiel?” he barked, his voice stronger and more gruff.

 

Jimmy took a deep breath. “He’s gone.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_The telephone rang twice before someone in the Novak family picked it up. Jimmy turned his attention back to his book, only to hear his name being called from down the hall. He folded the corner of the page he was on, before closing the book. Jimmy had been scolded by his mother many a time for doing so. She had told him that he would ruin his books by folding the pages and bending the books his parents had bought him, but he thought of it differently. If the books he read were perfect and crisp, he felt it wouldn’t be the same; he liked wearing a book down each time he read one, and sometimes he read the same ones over again. It was like breaking in a new pair of shoes, he thought. With new shoes, they were uncomfortable on your feet and eventually, the more you wore and used them, the better they would feel on your feet._

 

_Jimmy headed down the hall to find his mother holding the phone against her collarbone. Her lips were pursed together and he instantly knew by the irritated look on her face who was on the other line. A jolt of happiness ran through him, the same feeling overcame him anytime one of the Winchester boys called him, but more so when the eldest did. He ran to his mother and gently took the phone from her grasp before she left the hallway._

 

_“Hello, Dean,” Jimmy said very quickly._

 

_“How’d you know it was me?” Dean asked, and Jimmy could practically hear the smile on his face, which sent a flutter throughout him._

 

_“Lucky guess, I suppose,” he answered bashfully._

 

_Dean chuckled. “Well, we are going to the field in five. Meet us there?”_

 

_“As always,” Jimmy told him before hanging up the phone. He ran down the hall and into his room to put on his Fall jacket and shoes. Once he was ready, he told his mother where he was going and she told him to bring an extra sweater, which he did not. Maybe the extra sweater would have changed the course of things, but the very idea of that was ridiculous. How could a single sweater change his fate?_

 

_He stepped outside and took a deep breath of the fresh Autumn air. It smelled delightful and he decided at that moment this was his favorite season of the year. He picked up his bat and glove from the porch, and continued on down to the street. Jimmy watched the warm coloured leaves dance in the wind as he passed the Winchester household, stopping for only a second to wonder what the two eldest boys were doing. They were probably eating lunch with their parents, or finishing one last episode of Star Trek. The thought pleased him and he continued to the meadow with a smile on his face._

 

_He reached the open field and sat down on  homemade the pitcher's mound that had worn down over the months. Jimmy waited as he looked up at the blue sky, picking out shapes in the clouds. One looked like a walrus, but if he turned his head slightly, it almost looked like the USS Enterprise, which amused him that he remembered what the starship had looked like, having only seen one episode of Star Trek with Sammy and Dean._

 

_"Hey, Jay!" Dean's voice yelled from the road. Jimmy looked down from the sky and to the brothers, who were walking towards him. Immediately a smile spread across his face, and he looked back to the sky to observe the clouds once again._

 

_Dean sat to his right and Sammy to his left. They both looked up at the sky with him for a few minutes before Sammy finally spoke. "What are we looking for?"_

 

_"At, not for. That cloud looks like the USS enterprise," Jimmy said._

 

_"Which one?" Dean asked turning his head as he searched the sky. Jimmy leaned against the older boy, pressing his cheek to Dean's and pointed._

 

_"That one right there."_

 

_"Man! It totally does!" He laughed and ruffled Jimmy's hair._

 

_"No that looks like a walrus," Sammy snorted, receiving a laugh from Jimmy._

 

_Dean stood up and brushed the dirt off of his jeans. "Come on, let's play some ball."_

 

_The boys got to it, and took turns pitching, hitting and catching. They made up rules as they went, laughing all the while as the new rules became more obscure. Jimmy giggled as he came up to bat, listening to Sam remind him to do the chicken dance before batting. He obliged and grabbed the bat once the dance was over. Dean threw the ball and Jimmy swung the bat._

 

_The ball just barely hit the tip of the bat, sending it high in the sky and when it landed, it was twenty feet behind them in the road. Sammy giggled. "You are terrible."_

 

_Jimmy laughed at him. "And you are an assbutt!" His remark sent Dean to the ground giggling as Sammy ran after the ball, holding his cap down as he made his way to the road._

 

_It all had happened too fast. Jimmy had been watching Dean laugh, wearing a slight smile on his face. He was basking in the joy he had given Dean when the older boy's eyes widened. "Sammy!"_

 

_Just as Jimmy turned around a semi truck came by and it was too late. Sammy had no time to run and the truck had no time to stop. As soon as it happened, however, time seemed to stop. Jimmy heard the blood pumping in and out of his heart, pushing it to beat faster and harder. His lungs longed for air, but he couldn't bring himself to inhale. He couldn't even bring himself to register what had happened._

 

_Something pushed past him. Dean was running to the road and Jimmy could see his lips moving fast as his mouth opened wide before closing again. The older boy looked around at what lay scattered on the road and his mouth opened wide again. Suddenly it all came rushing in._

 

_A piercing scream reached Jimmy's ears, and he shuddered once it reached his ear drum. "Sammy! No no no! Sammy!"_

 

_Jimmy looked down just as something landed in front of his feet with a plop. The red baseball cap Sammy had worn only moments before._

 

 

* * *

 

 

The man had no earthly idea where he was going with this. He didn’t know where the name Castiel has come from, only that Dean had called Jimmy that every visit he made since the day Dean was put in the institution.

 

For an entire month after what had happened to Sammy, Dean hadn't spoken and stayed inside his house. When Jimmy finally visited his household, the very atmosphere of it had completely changed. A thick fog took over, making it hard to breathe. Jimmy remembered, very clearly, the same look that hung on each member of the family's face, even young Adam.

 

A redness stung at the whites of their eyes and heavy black bags hung underneath them, clashing completely with the pale skin of their face. John had too many wrinkles for a man of his age and it was most obvious that he hadn't shaved in weeks. Kate's skin was bare, without the usual layer of makeup, and her hair hung loose and ratted over her shoulders. Dean, on the other hand, was a different story.

 

Jimmy's first and last visit to the Winchester household after the accident was the day something changed in Dean. His eyes were glazed and foggy and looked straight through Jimmy. Jimmy remembered the chill that ran through him when he realized Dean wasn't truly looking at him. He sat in Sammy's room, not moving a single bit, in the same outfit he'd worn the day of the accident, and holding the oversized baseball cap in his hands. The smell that ran off Dean stung in Jimmy’s nostrils, but he shook it away and willed himself not to say a word about it. Even through the dark, he could see the horror that covered every inch of the teenager's face. Jimmy reached for the light switch and the bulb burst when he flipped it on. He jumped and so did Dean, who threw his arms over his head to block the hot glass from falling onto him. The room was silent for only a moment more as Dean slowly lowered his arms and looked up at Jimmy. The look in Dean's eyes made Jimmy feel as though the older boy hadn't a clue who he was, and when he finally spoke, Jimmy's heart sunk deep into his stomach as he found his suspicion to be true. It was the first time Dean had called him Castiel.

 

Jimmy did not know why Dean did not know who he was, or why he insisted on calling him Castiel. He had even given Castiel a nickname, Cas, and Jimmy felt a green envy boil inside of him when Dean had first called him by the pet name. He knew it was silly to feel jealous of someone who didn't exist, but why on earth did someone who wasn't real get to be acknowledged while Jimmy was ignored? All he wanted to do was to hold Dean and apologize for what he had done. Why did Dean get to lose it? Had Jimmy not seen the same horrific accident that sent Dean into such a crazy downward spiral? Had he not caused Sammy's death? If anything, Jimmy surely had it worse, but he immediately regretted the very thought. Sammy was Dean's responsibility, he had been since the day their mother had died. Dean was the one the child ran to when he was being picked on at school, the one who kissed cuts and scrapes when Sammy had fallen, the one who consoled Sammy when he had a nightmare. Jimmy had no right to be upset with Dean for not remembering him, or for the fact that Dean was broken.

 

Dr. Crowley told him that he needed to be patient with Dean, even though Jimmy had already come to the decision on his own. For years, different doctors had studied Dean and were all unable to find a correct treatment. Dean had taken injection after injection, pill after pill, and had gone to more hospitals than the average person, but only Dr. Crowley had formed a proper theory and treatment that didn't require Dean to be on too many medications at once. He said that Dean was traumatized as any human being would be upon witnessing a terrible accident as such, but instead of coping with it normally, Dean had developed an altered world in his mind, and occasionally acted with the world outside. Dr. Crowley had started therapy sessions, sometimes with only himself, and other times with family or Jimmy present. His theory was that Dean would return to his original self by interacting with those whom he saw on a regular basis. For three years, Dean had been under Dr. Crowley's supervision, which Jimmy on occasion wondered why on God’s green earth Crowley continued treating Dean even after he had called the doctor a Demon and had tried to kill him upon first meeting him. Though Crowley hadn't reached a breakthrough with him, Dean had still improved significantly and had told Jimmy that each improvement was after each of his visits, which only added even more to the cloud of guilt that wrapped tightly around Jimmy's mind. If he was so helpful towards Dean's recovery, why did he insist on not visiting very often?

 

Jimmy knew it was because he was afraid of the world Dean had created in his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Ever since Dean had been put under Dr. Crowley's care, Dean had begun talking. He spoke of Sammy, demons and angels, monsters and Hell. Castiel, according to Dean, was an angel. Jimmy didn't deserve the title of an angel after what he had done to Sammy, but during one visit, Dean was very hostile towards Jimmy. At first, he thought Dean was back to normal finally, but then he called him Cas._

 

_“Cas,” he spoke in a voice that didn’t seem like his own. Jimmy could have sworn it sounded like Sammy’s voice, soft and gentle. Dean even wore the same expressions as Sammy on his pale, sunken face._

 

_“You can’t kill us.” It was Dean’s own voice, and his face was once again strong and hard as he glared at Jimmy who stood in the doorway. Did Dean really think Jimmy would kill him? He was right to think so. He had killed Sammy. “Death is our bitch. We ain’t gonna die, even if God pulls the trigger.”_

 

_He began to whisper quietly, but fastly, and sometimes the pitch in his voice would change in between sentences, until he screamed “Look, call him what you want. Just kill him now!”_

 

_Jimmy was lost, but the look Dean gave him knocked the wind right out of him along with the words. There was blame, hurt and anger on every single inch of Dean’s face, and he knew that, without a doubt, in Dean’s mind, at that moment, he wanted Jimmy dead. The dark haired man left the building shaken and terrified, and did not come back for a long, long while._

 

 

* * *

 

 

He had come back finally and was sitting in front of his childhood friend, his obligation, the broken man, Dean Winchester. No words had been spoken since Jimmy told him Castiel was gone, and there was a look in Dean’s eyes, different from before. It was a look that seemed familiar but Jimmy had not seen it in almost 18 years. Tears began to form in the blond’s eyes and his lip began to quiver until it formed a terribly weak smile.

 

Jimmy wanted him to know who he was. He prayed to God, if there was one, that Dean remembered that he was Jimmy Novak, the boy who moved into the old Baler house across the street from the Winchester home, the boy whose mother had made him wear sweaters in ninety-five degree weather, the boy whom Dean had given the nickname Jay. Not Castiel, the angel Dean had mistaken Jimmy for all these years, even if it meant Dean knew what Jimmy had done to Sammy, but he knew it wouldn’t happen. He knew that Dean was far too broken to ever remember him again, and he knew that he was the one who had shattered the poor man’s soul. He was the one who lead Dean to create an alternate world in his mind, where Sammy was alive and he wasn’t Jimmy, but Castiel. He knew that he was only seeing what he wanted to see in Dean’s eyes.

 

The brunet man leaned forward, putting his elbows to his thighs and hung his head. If only he could see his own face, the bags that hung under his starlit eyes, or the lines that traced over his cheeks and at the corners of his eyes. If he stopped to feel the ache in his bones and the throbbing in his head, he would realize how broken he was himself and how tired he was. He slept, but he never truly got the rest he needed, and he never would; not until he made amends, and he had no earthly idea as to when that would be.

 

“J-Jimmy?”

 

Jimmy’s head snapped up upon hearing his name. He hadn’t heard that voice speak his name in such a very long time and he was sure he had to have been hearing things, but the man in front of him smiled when their eyes met. It was a genuine smile, and even though his face was so frail and sickly, the smile shined through. He was just as beautiful as all those years before, and for once, he wasn’t broken.

 

“You said my name,” Jimmy stated bluntly.

 

“Yeah... I did,” Dean smiled sheepishly.

 

Jimmy’s heart began to pound wildly. He wasn’t imagining things at all. This was really happening. It really was! A laugh escaped Jimmy’s lips as he sat up and threw himself to the back of the chair as he sat up. There was a look of shock on Dr. Crowley’s face as his mouth hung slightly agape and eyes wide, glancing from Dean to Jimmy.

 

“Do you... Do you know who I really am?” Jimmy asked.

 

“Of course I do, Jay. You’re that punk that lived across the street from me,” he said with a weak smile, his voice cracking in between each word. Jimmy lost it. Tears began flowing down his face as rushed to Dean, moving so fast, his chair fell to the ground with a clang. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist as best he could as he laid his head onto the man’s lap.

 

“I missed you, Dean.”

 

Dr. Crowley had finally regained himself and stood up before telling them he was going to get a nurse for assistance and telephone someone. Tears streamed down Jimmy’s face, soaking Dean’s white hospital slacks. “Dean, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.”

 

Dean was silent for a long while, and Jimmy stared blankly with a film of tears clouding his sight as he continued to lay his head on Dean’s lap. He wondered what Dean was thinking. Did he realize that he hated Jimmy? Was he broken again?

 

“Jay, it’s not your fault.”

 

The words seemed to shatter the world Jimmy had believed in. He was so sure Dean would hate him, was so certain that Dean would yell at him, would blame him, but Dean didn’t do either of those things. Jimmy had grown into an adult believing all of these things, creating a world where he thought Dean had hated him, and now that Dean had proved him wrong, he felt like he was the child he was all those years ago.

 

“Jimmy, I want to go home. I’m ready to go home.”

 

Jimmy looked up at Dean. “OK, Dean. Let’s go home.”

 

"Home, Sweet, Kansas. Right, Jay?"

 

The brunet smiled. "Right, Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based on the movie "Identity." If you have not seen it, I strongly recommend you watch it.
> 
> If you did not catch on, after Sammy's Death, Dean not only breaks and forms an alternate world (the Supernatural!verse) inside his head, but he also has Disassociate Identity Disorder, which is commonly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder.
> 
> I referenced:  
> 7.01 Meet the New Boss  
> 4.20 The Rapture
> 
> Out of order, yes, I know and understand that. It was intended to be that way.
> 
> On another note, I have been working on this for quite some time now, making it as perfect as I can, but most likely it is not perfect. I found a text post on tumblr that I have never once seen before, but basically they suggested what I had written, and it made me sad because I thought this was a really original idea. I decided to continue this anyways.


End file.
